Tuesday, June 19, 2018

I Am Back Bitchiz

I do not like saying this, but I am, once again, without a job. I have actually been a bum for quite some time now (1.5 months). It's just that I thought of coming back blogging just this morning (4:07 am) today (June 19, 2018). Many things have already happened, and I already did many things I never thought I'd do for these past fast few weeks, but, unfortunately, I am unable to blog about them anymore. I guess I just have to post my Baybayin logbook pages. See? I already learned another alphabet in those weeks.
This is me, minus the cowboy shit. And, also, I don't read the newspaper. So yeah, this is not me.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

too tired

today i went to the mall with my younger sister shes supposed to buy school stuff but i ended up buying more than she did more random things that is

on a normal day i wouldnt choose to go with her because the mall is much farther in our new house than it was when we were still renting but i thought i could talk to her about my dilemma because she listens well and makes better advice than most people i know

now when we were there i found my lips locked i didnt want to start the conversation about my application to another company she already knew my problem because i told her and my other sister about it i just couldnt find myself talking about it while we were at the mall

i guess i was just too tired too exhausted to talk about it i feel like the more i think and talk about the problem the more it weighs and feel like a problem and at the time i didnt want to feel it and think about it

unlike what i was feeling when i was with my gay friends in binangonan two nights ago i felt like i just wanted a distraction but going to the mall with my sister is not a good distraction the silence between us made us think that more about the problem making it more real

this makes me realize that the problem with depression is really how it should be handled at a given time because we dont really know what we want when depressed and nothing seems enough in life

i bought a new shirt for the interview tomorrow i have a lot of studying to do there is no getting out if this situation i just need to get over it

no help

one night ago i went to a friends house and drank with them this is a different kind of drinking because its in binangonan

as you may have already read here night sessions in the place is different i drink with gay friends and am always pressured to have some intimate time with a random guy they invite over

it was a lot of fun because i get to spend time with my friends and yey i did not get blackout drunk but i realized that the time i spend with them isnt very helpful to my situation

sure it was a lot of fun but we really dont talk deeply about our personal situations time with them is not a therapy session we always talk about boys and sex and i think those are the last things i wanna think about

sure they are great distractions to what i am going through but now that im back in my room alone i find myself in the very same spot where i was when i left for binangonan

and maybe theres a little more depression going on because i got a bit drunk and might have done some things i am regretting i think i came on to my friends brother which was totally fatherly hot at the time

i love my friends and i cherish my time with them but they are not the kind of company i should ask help from

tomorrow is my interview in the other company so hope everythingll go well

for now ill go school shopping with my sister who i know provides better support for this situation

Friday, January 5, 2018

finding a rhythm

last night was a bit different

it was better than the days and nights before

maybe what they say is true that all it takes is acceptance for everything to become more bearable

im finally truly embracing my situation and my fear of the uncertainty that i can see creeping towards my direction like a shadow of a cloud in a clearing

i guess a large part of it is keeping things a secret tonight i told my boss about my dilemma he hasnt replied but i feel very relieved that its already out there

sometimes all it takes is to let everything out it feels like a heavy baggage im carrying has been shared to an unwilling victim its cruel but its shared nonetheless

and thats what paved the way for the acceptance to take root and grow into a flower of good mood

on the way home from work i remembered a song i used to sing it was a song from the tv series smash

i listened to it and the rest of the album and i found it enjoyable soothing as if im going back to a place and time where i am in total control of my life

it feels good and i think thats a good place to start to pick up where i stopped and continue to move on

i cant say im back to normal but i can say that im better than yesterday and at this rate ill be back to the jolly old me in record time

tonight im on leave from work because im meeting some dear gay friends from college

maybe this is just the company and the break that i need

Thursday, January 4, 2018

and heres the wreck

everything inside is falling apart and i do a good job at keeping everything complete in nothing but the outside

too many things are happening and fast and i think i think too slow to cope with the speed that is slowly gently caressing my neck into a snap

my work is becoming something i cannot accept and i dont know where to go

in a second of anxiety i brought myself a situation i am not really sure i want or can handle

its that time again when i dont know what song i would want to listen to in transit to work

it seems like no music matches my mood and i cant fine one that can lift it up

all crystal are breaking and breaking into powder and dust inside me and i dont know how to deal with it

i cant find a positive light or strength in my palms or a fiber of nerve to handle this and turn this non-energy into something good

i am a lazy flake of snow just waiting to hit the land

right now

i choose to ride the wind